My baby bump is developing, I can't wait until I look pregnant and not just chubby!
Noelle-isms
8 years ago
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
14 - 17 weeks
Exciting news, we graduated to a regular OB/GYN! My progesterone levels were a little low at first so I stayed under the careful watch of my fertility specialist. I was required to take supplemental pills, get weekly blood tests and ultrasounds but after week 13 we are in the clear. It was a bit of a transition for me to go from having frequent visits to the doctor and being treated very attentively to being just another pregnant woman. It worries me a bit that I will only have three ultrasounds my whole pregnancy when I had three ultrasounds in my first 10 weeks! On the other hand, it feels good to be a "normal" patient. Our new doctor is really cool and friendly and approachable. Most importantly, he is in full support of my birth plan to have as little intervention as possible.
My baby bump is developing, I can't wait until I look pregnant and not just chubby!
My baby bump is developing, I can't wait until I look pregnant and not just chubby!
13 weeks
This marks the end of my first trimester! Since I found out I was pregnant just about 5 weeks ago, it really went by quickly. Other than the shock of finding out I was expecting, the first trimester was rather uneventful. Fortunately, I didn't have any nausea or any of the other first-tri woes. The only difference was I started craving vegetables and chocolate tasted horrible! I actually wouldn't mind if that stuck with me even after the pregnancy! Here's baby and I as we head into the second trimester...
It's a....duck?!
Our first ultrasound was scheduled the day after the positive pregnancy test. The concept of being pregnant was still so enormous to me. While I was very apprehensive, I felt comfort that we would soon have visual evidence. We were led into the imaging room, as we were many times before. Routinely, I get on the table, feet up and that little paper towel on my lap. As if I didn't already feel confused and vulnerable, the nurse goes on a tangent about how amazing it is that I didn't know I was pregnant - Your breasts aren't swollen? You haven't been nauseous? You didn't notice light headiness? You don't taste metal? You're not sensitive to smells?
All these questions seemed to be rhetorical because she didn't wait for me to answer a single one. The only words I could get in was that I was "allegedly" pregnant! All the same, I couldn't help but start to develop a complex about what else I don't know if I didn't even know I was pregnant and what kind of mother would I be if I couldn't feel the presence of my developing fetus. I wanted to take my foot right out of the stirrup and kick her in the face. Luckily, she was saved by the entrance of my doctor. Here it is, the moment of truth.
The first black and white images flashed across the monitor. I didn't know what I was looking at but it certainly didn't resemble a baby. At just 8 weeks old, it was so small - a speck - a mere centimeters. Not quite the visual confirmation I was anticipating. That little speck could have been my stomach contents, a blood clot, a pending bowel movement. How am I supposed to know that speck is alive? The doctor pointed to a rapidly flickering area and told us that was the heartbeat. On the way out, he gave us our first picture. I couldn't find a way to rationalize that little flutter so the possibility of me being pregnant started to absorb as I studied the photo. I had the evidence I needed, a visual, the proof is in the picture. I'm pregnant and I'm having a....duck! Take a look for yourself!
All these questions seemed to be rhetorical because she didn't wait for me to answer a single one. The only words I could get in was that I was "allegedly" pregnant! All the same, I couldn't help but start to develop a complex about what else I don't know if I didn't even know I was pregnant and what kind of mother would I be if I couldn't feel the presence of my developing fetus. I wanted to take my foot right out of the stirrup and kick her in the face. Luckily, she was saved by the entrance of my doctor. Here it is, the moment of truth.
The first black and white images flashed across the monitor. I didn't know what I was looking at but it certainly didn't resemble a baby. At just 8 weeks old, it was so small - a speck - a mere centimeters. Not quite the visual confirmation I was anticipating. That little speck could have been my stomach contents, a blood clot, a pending bowel movement. How am I supposed to know that speck is alive? The doctor pointed to a rapidly flickering area and told us that was the heartbeat. On the way out, he gave us our first picture. I couldn't find a way to rationalize that little flutter so the possibility of me being pregnant started to absorb as I studied the photo. I had the evidence I needed, a visual, the proof is in the picture. I'm pregnant and I'm having a....duck! Take a look for yourself!
I hate to admit it
I was so taken back that I had to repeat the words out loud, a heart beat?! I had a Jessica Simpson moment thinking to myself, even if I was pregnant, how could he hear the heartbeat from the blood test. Luckily, he spoke before I actually said that out loud. What he was saying was that the pregnancy hormone level was so high he calculated that I was at least 6 weeks pregnant and that we could see the heartbeat on the ultrasound he scheduled for me the following day.
I hung up the phone and the nurse was hysterical. The assistants had all gathered in the treatment room and were crying and clapping. I was numb. Literally, because the medicine on my legs was in full affect. Figuratively, I didn't know what to do. I wondered if I should tell Jimmy or wait until after the ultrasound in case there was a mix up. Considering he can read me like a book, I rushed to his job to tell him the news.
He was shocked to see me. I have never shown up unannounced. He could tell I had been crying. He asked if I wrecked the Expedition. I shook my head no. He smile, pulled me close, kissed my forehead and said, "You're pregnant". There was no inflection in his voice to indicate he was asking a question like "are you pregnant?" There was no quiver in his voice to indicate uncertainty like "you're pregnant?" It was a statement. YOU ARE PREGNANT. As if he was telling me, I told you so!
I still wasn't so sure. Convinced the Dr. confused my blood with another patient, I took a home pregnancy test. I stared at the stick in disbelief. Two straight pink lines. Excitement and terror washed over me. Excited that our dreams of parenthood are coming to fruition. Terrified that I have to admit that like usual, Jimmy is right!
I hung up the phone and the nurse was hysterical. The assistants had all gathered in the treatment room and were crying and clapping. I was numb. Literally, because the medicine on my legs was in full affect. Figuratively, I didn't know what to do. I wondered if I should tell Jimmy or wait until after the ultrasound in case there was a mix up. Considering he can read me like a book, I rushed to his job to tell him the news.
He was shocked to see me. I have never shown up unannounced. He could tell I had been crying. He asked if I wrecked the Expedition. I shook my head no. He smile, pulled me close, kissed my forehead and said, "You're pregnant". There was no inflection in his voice to indicate he was asking a question like "are you pregnant?" There was no quiver in his voice to indicate uncertainty like "you're pregnant?" It was a statement. YOU ARE PREGNANT. As if he was telling me, I told you so!
I still wasn't so sure. Convinced the Dr. confused my blood with another patient, I took a home pregnancy test. I stared at the stick in disbelief. Two straight pink lines. Excitement and terror washed over me. Excited that our dreams of parenthood are coming to fruition. Terrified that I have to admit that like usual, Jimmy is right!
April Fools
So Jimmy is making me see the Dr. I was reluctant considering it was apparent that my chances of being pregnant were slim to none. So I set out at 6:00 AM on April 1st to make my trip across town. I wondered, why am I even bothering? The Dr. informs me that given my history, I probably have developed cysts which excrete testosterone causing my cycle to halt. He took my blood and told me he would call me later.
Other than being April Fools day, I was excited about this day because my laser hair removal appointment was here! When I arrived for my appointment, the Dr's visit nine hours earlier was as far away from my mind as the seminar I gave at work earlier that morning. I was promptly seated in a treatment chair where the nurse applied a numbing agent to my legs. As the medicine took affect, I completed the medical profile confidently answering NO to the last question - Are you pregnant?
The nurse returned and powered up the laser. I was creating a play list on my iPod with appropriate music to take the focus off of the pain when I heard my phone ring. Normally, I would apologize for the disruption, ignore the call and then silence my phone. But as frequently as I talk to the Dr. during IVF cycles, he has his own ring tone! It took me by surprise as I nearly forgot about the blood test regarding my cysts. I answered the phone to a nurses voice telling me the Dr. wanted to speak to me himself. Incredibly, he tells me that not only am I pregnant but that I am "mega-pregnant"!
He kept talking but all I could think about was how inappropriate this April Fools joke was. Have you ever been so mad and infuriated that you didn't know what else to do but break down in tears? I was living in that moment. Paralyzed and at a loss for words, it took every ounce of determination to pick my jaw up off of the floor and press my lips together to assemble some kind of response. I began to stutter not certain of what would come out of my mouth when I heard the words "a heartbeat". Then there was one of those very awkward pregnant pauses (no pun intended). It seemed to last forever while those words, "a heartbeat", resonated within me.
Other than being April Fools day, I was excited about this day because my laser hair removal appointment was here! When I arrived for my appointment, the Dr's visit nine hours earlier was as far away from my mind as the seminar I gave at work earlier that morning. I was promptly seated in a treatment chair where the nurse applied a numbing agent to my legs. As the medicine took affect, I completed the medical profile confidently answering NO to the last question - Are you pregnant?
The nurse returned and powered up the laser. I was creating a play list on my iPod with appropriate music to take the focus off of the pain when I heard my phone ring. Normally, I would apologize for the disruption, ignore the call and then silence my phone. But as frequently as I talk to the Dr. during IVF cycles, he has his own ring tone! It took me by surprise as I nearly forgot about the blood test regarding my cysts. I answered the phone to a nurses voice telling me the Dr. wanted to speak to me himself. Incredibly, he tells me that not only am I pregnant but that I am "mega-pregnant"!
He kept talking but all I could think about was how inappropriate this April Fools joke was. Have you ever been so mad and infuriated that you didn't know what else to do but break down in tears? I was living in that moment. Paralyzed and at a loss for words, it took every ounce of determination to pick my jaw up off of the floor and press my lips together to assemble some kind of response. I began to stutter not certain of what would come out of my mouth when I heard the words "a heartbeat". Then there was one of those very awkward pregnant pauses (no pun intended). It seemed to last forever while those words, "a heartbeat", resonated within me.
Monday, July 7, 2008
Wouldn't I know....
It's the end of March and I'm feeling wonderful. I put into motion many of my new visions and there's a lot still to look forward to - bike riding, scrapbooking, learning spanish, pilates, photography...where do I start? Well, I'll figure it out just after this nap!
Mid-march was very hectic and tragic for us. I had a very busy week at work only to fly to Denver for a business meeting where a team building activity lasted throughout the weekend. Jimmy joined me at the end and we took the opportunity to stay in Estes Park and explored the Rocky Mountains. Upon our return, we learned that Jimmy lost his aunt to a brave battle against cancer. We immediately took flight to New York for the services. Once there, I slept the whole time. We don't get to see them often and especially considering the circumstances, I felt horrible that I couldn't stay awake. I was very apologetic explaining the jet lag and other travelling we did was catching up to me.
Upon returning home, Jimmy told me his aunties were suggesting that I was pregnant since I was sleeping so much. In fact, Jimmy had been eluding to me being pregnant for the last month, constantly asking me if I had started my cycle since the last IVF attempt in February. I immediately dismissed every mention of it explaining that my cycle was off due to the IVF virus and the absence of a cycle was further evidence that my body needed a break. The jet lag lingered and carried over into the following week, I was in bed by 8pm every night. In between naps, I mustered up enough energy to start making my itinerary for Italy!
Jimmy, insisting I was pregnant, "encouraged" me to go to the doctor before I actually purchased my ticket. Bribed is more like it! If I went to the Dr. and got a clean bill of health then I could purchase my ticket. I figured I would appease him and make my way to Europe. I mean, how could I possibly be pregnant? I wasn't cured of my illness - I was simply in remission. And besides that, wouldn't I know if I was pregnant?!
Mid-march was very hectic and tragic for us. I had a very busy week at work only to fly to Denver for a business meeting where a team building activity lasted throughout the weekend. Jimmy joined me at the end and we took the opportunity to stay in Estes Park and explored the Rocky Mountains. Upon our return, we learned that Jimmy lost his aunt to a brave battle against cancer. We immediately took flight to New York for the services. Once there, I slept the whole time. We don't get to see them often and especially considering the circumstances, I felt horrible that I couldn't stay awake. I was very apologetic explaining the jet lag and other travelling we did was catching up to me.
Upon returning home, Jimmy told me his aunties were suggesting that I was pregnant since I was sleeping so much. In fact, Jimmy had been eluding to me being pregnant for the last month, constantly asking me if I had started my cycle since the last IVF attempt in February. I immediately dismissed every mention of it explaining that my cycle was off due to the IVF virus and the absence of a cycle was further evidence that my body needed a break. The jet lag lingered and carried over into the following week, I was in bed by 8pm every night. In between naps, I mustered up enough energy to start making my itinerary for Italy!
Jimmy, insisting I was pregnant, "encouraged" me to go to the doctor before I actually purchased my ticket. Bribed is more like it! If I went to the Dr. and got a clean bill of health then I could purchase my ticket. I figured I would appease him and make my way to Europe. I mean, how could I possibly be pregnant? I wasn't cured of my illness - I was simply in remission. And besides that, wouldn't I know if I was pregnant?!
What baby?
It took two months but with a wonderful husband, long walks, hot baths and silent moments of self examination the numbness faded. I regained clarity and no longer was mournful. Quite the opposite, actually. Shortly after deciding to take a break, I created a vision board. If you've seen or heard "The Secret", you'll know what I'm talking about and if you haven't, it's exactly what it sounds like! I realized that while I was going through in-vitro, I surrounded myself with visions of what NOT being a mother would mean, visions of what kind of wife/woman would I be if I COULDN'T conceive, visions of what my body DIDN'T look like anymore because of the weight the hormones added. The idea behind visualization is that our minds are so powerful beyond our belief that what we visualize in our minds manifests in our lives. In other words, you reap what you sow. I had completely lost sight of the baby and made it all about me and my failures.
I replaced all the visions of what I was not, with visions of what I am and what I wanted to become. I started eating right and exercising. I lost 8 pounds in three weeks. I made plans to visit my girlfriend in Italy and I made an appointment to do something I've been wanting to do for the longest time...laser hair removal for my legs! For the first time in quite a while, I felt like no one, especially myself, expected anything of me. And in fleeting moments, I felt selfish for it because it felt good, really good.
I replaced all the visions of what I was not, with visions of what I am and what I wanted to become. I started eating right and exercising. I lost 8 pounds in three weeks. I made plans to visit my girlfriend in Italy and I made an appointment to do something I've been wanting to do for the longest time...laser hair removal for my legs! For the first time in quite a while, I felt like no one, especially myself, expected anything of me. And in fleeting moments, I felt selfish for it because it felt good, really good.
Where's that darn stork?
As nervous and unprepared we felt at the prospect of becoming parents, we grew anxious after a year passed by without even a late period. I remembered the dozens of reasons - especially the selfish ones - why I was hesitant to become a mother. They seemed so petty and insignificant. We decided it was time to consult a specialist.
INFERTILITY. DIAGNOSIS. PROGNOSIS. TREATMENT. IVF (In-Vitro Fertilization). The consultation was very overwhelming. I remember feeling like I had an illness, one with an uncertain recovery rate. While it was not a terminal illness, it was one that would certainly linger within me indefinitely. After a year of in-vitro, my perceived illness turned into a viral infection. And after yet another year and a half of failed and aborted treatment plans, years of hoping and praying, living by my IVF cycle calendar, doctor visits, blood tests, ultrasounds, egg retrievals, surgeries, bi-daily shots, tri-daily pills and discouraging phone calls...I felt downright toxic.
I knew my body and mind needed a break from the process. Jimmy needed a break from me. Our last IVF attempt was February 2. I started the month feeling numb, dazed and almost mournful. Jimmy was so supportive and accepting of needing to take time off. He reminded me how strong I am and how resilient I've been when faced with other challenges. Most importantly, he was so confident that we were meant to be parents, that we were intended to be together and have a family that it didn't matter if I needed time. IT WILL HAPPEN, he said. Someday.
INFERTILITY. DIAGNOSIS. PROGNOSIS. TREATMENT. IVF (In-Vitro Fertilization). The consultation was very overwhelming. I remember feeling like I had an illness, one with an uncertain recovery rate. While it was not a terminal illness, it was one that would certainly linger within me indefinitely. After a year of in-vitro, my perceived illness turned into a viral infection. And after yet another year and a half of failed and aborted treatment plans, years of hoping and praying, living by my IVF cycle calendar, doctor visits, blood tests, ultrasounds, egg retrievals, surgeries, bi-daily shots, tri-daily pills and discouraging phone calls...I felt downright toxic.
I knew my body and mind needed a break from the process. Jimmy needed a break from me. Our last IVF attempt was February 2. I started the month feeling numb, dazed and almost mournful. Jimmy was so supportive and accepting of needing to take time off. He reminded me how strong I am and how resilient I've been when faced with other challenges. Most importantly, he was so confident that we were meant to be parents, that we were intended to be together and have a family that it didn't matter if I needed time. IT WILL HAPPEN, he said. Someday.
Let's go half on a baby....
There it was, cold hard proof. I stared at the stick in disbelief, two straight pink lines. I felt both excitement and terror. It's exactly what we wanted, we had been trying for years but how could I possibly be?
Jimmy has always wanted a family. Even before we were married, before we were engaged, he wanted to stop "preventing". I on the other hand knew we needed to at least be married! Even so, I was seized with fear. I knew marriage alone simply wouldn't make me ready. I was hesitant for dozens of reasons. One being money-others for more selfish reasons. Right up to the wedding my plan was to wait a year, enjoy married life, then start trying. I could tell you the exact moment those plans went out the door but all I will say is that it involved a hot tub the first night of our honeymoon in the beautiful Bahamas!
That night the pills went into the garbage and I just knew we were heading down a path we weren't ready for. I told Jimmy be careful what you ask for because I thought I would be pregnant within months. I was definitely right about not being prepared for what lay ahead, dead wrong about when we would be expecting. That night in the Bahamas was three long years ago. I felt something that night- call it intuition or maybe it was just hormones- but I knew regardless of when it happened, starting a family and even more so, making Jimmy a father, was going to be the most beautiful and rewarding experiences of my life.
Jimmy has always wanted a family. Even before we were married, before we were engaged, he wanted to stop "preventing". I on the other hand knew we needed to at least be married! Even so, I was seized with fear. I knew marriage alone simply wouldn't make me ready. I was hesitant for dozens of reasons. One being money-others for more selfish reasons. Right up to the wedding my plan was to wait a year, enjoy married life, then start trying. I could tell you the exact moment those plans went out the door but all I will say is that it involved a hot tub the first night of our honeymoon in the beautiful Bahamas!
That night the pills went into the garbage and I just knew we were heading down a path we weren't ready for. I told Jimmy be careful what you ask for because I thought I would be pregnant within months. I was definitely right about not being prepared for what lay ahead, dead wrong about when we would be expecting. That night in the Bahamas was three long years ago. I felt something that night- call it intuition or maybe it was just hormones- but I knew regardless of when it happened, starting a family and even more so, making Jimmy a father, was going to be the most beautiful and rewarding experiences of my life.
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