What baby?

It took two months but with a wonderful husband, long walks, hot baths and silent moments of self examination the numbness faded. I regained clarity and no longer was mournful. Quite the opposite, actually. Shortly after deciding to take a break, I created a vision board. If you've seen or heard "The Secret", you'll know what I'm talking about and if you haven't, it's exactly what it sounds like! I realized that while I was going through in-vitro, I surrounded myself with visions of what NOT being a mother would mean, visions of what kind of wife/woman would I be if I COULDN'T conceive, visions of what my body DIDN'T look like anymore because of the weight the hormones added. The idea behind visualization is that our minds are so powerful beyond our belief that what we visualize in our minds manifests in our lives. In other words, you reap what you sow. I had completely lost sight of the baby and made it all about me and my failures.

I replaced all the visions of what I was not, with visions of what I am and what I wanted to become. I started eating right and exercising. I lost 8 pounds in three weeks. I made plans to visit my girlfriend in Italy and I made an appointment to do something I've been wanting to do for the longest time...laser hair removal for my legs! For the first time in quite a while, I felt like no one, especially myself, expected anything of me. And in fleeting moments, I felt selfish for it because it felt good, really good.